I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
