Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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