Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
