just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
