The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
