i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
