Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
