I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
