If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
