i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
