Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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