if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I love you. Go after that dick
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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