why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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