If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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