I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
