Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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