you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
