There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
