you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
