God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
