today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
