i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
