I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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