I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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