The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
