so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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