Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
