At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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