When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
