He disabled his match.com account in front of me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
