I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
