i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
