were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
