any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
