Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
