I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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