is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
