Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
