I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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