Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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