My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
