I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
