There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
