If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
