we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
