ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
