I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
