I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
