I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You don't make any sense
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