Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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