My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
