Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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