made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Be still, my beating vagina.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
