how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
