What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
