It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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