There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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