you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i drank out of a bidet.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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